Sorry, Sorry, Sorry

Is it just me or do we all apologize too damn much? I don’t mean apologizing for bumping into someone or saying something rude or forgetting a birthday; I mean the way we apologize for feeling things or the way we apologize because we think those feelings may possibly have offended someone in some way or another.

SorryFlourescent1I’m one of those people, I say sorry all the time. I apologize for saying the wrong thing, I apologize for doing the wrong thing, I apologize for the idea that I might have maybe done something that could have been considered wrong. Do you know what? Most of the time those apologies are completely unnecessary; most of the time the person I’m apologizing to doesn’t even know what I’m apologizing for.

Saying, “I’m sorry,” shouldn’t be a reflex. When someone says my name my first response shouldn’t be to wonder what I’ve done wrong.

My life is amazing, I have an incredible boyfriend, amazing friends, a fantastic job and I live in the best city in the world. I should be over-the-freaking-moon kind of happy; I should be the kind of happy that people pay shrinks and pharmacists big money to feel. Everything in my life is great and I should be grinning like a fool – but I’m not.

I’m not over the moon because I am sitting here staring at a letter from a lawyer; I’m staring at a letter that demands that I apologize for writing about my life, I’m staring at a letter that wants me to lie and say that my childhood didn’t happen and it is breaking my heart. I’ve thought about all the options and I’ve come to one conclusion the, “I’m sorry’s,” HAVE to end. Not tomorrow, not next week, not in a year from now – they have to end now.

I am not going to apologize to the man who ruined most of my childhood and I’m not going to apologize for having feelings or for writing about them. My life is beautiful now and I’m not sorry for doing the work that got me and through all of the bad; I’m FUCKING PROUD.

I am who I am because of the good and the bad and I won’t pretend that any of it didn’t happen.

So if all of this means I have to go to court and stand up and admit that my life had terrible moments that led to the bad I will and I’ll do it happily… because I am done saying sorry.

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