Pregnancy is hard. It’s not all, “Oh! You’re glowing.” and “Such a cute bump!” I’m 13-weeks pregnant and the bump just makes me look chubby, the glow is probably some Bio-Oil I accidentally rubbed on my face, and I haven’t had this much acne since I was 13.
The acne really is the worst, I remember when I was a kid (grade 8 or 9) I got fifth disease which as a pre-teen is basically nothing but a face rash, but I absolutely REFUSED to go to school or leave the house. My mum thought I was being ridiculous, she suffered from actual acne as a teen, and to be fair I was being absolutely ridiculous. But I’ve never had any kind of bad acne, a small breakout will stress me out for weeks. About two weeks after we found out I bought pimple patches to try and cure my pregnancy acne, although I’m too embarrassed to ask my boyfriend to cover my back in the little miracle workers. I can deal with the nausea and the fact that all I really want to eat is carbs – chicken fingers are lifesavers, but don’t you dare cook chicken around me because the smell will make me vomit. Pregnancy is hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be a mom, but we didn’t exactly plan it this way. This little nugget (seriously who wants to get me chicken nuggets for dinner?) was a surprise and I’m excited (also terrified) but I’m also really not ready. I can’t help thinking that there are so many women out there better prepared than I am. You know the women who have been planning and prepping forever? I’m not one of those women. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, my boyfriend and I just moved to Vancouver in January of this year, most of our stuff is still in Toronto, I’ve barely made any friends here (COVID + new city = #nonewfriends), we don’t even own a car yet let alone a house, and I was not at all prepared to give up wine. So, I’m excited for the mom stuff, I’m actually pretty great with babies just ask my friend Coco, but right now I’m really freaked out.
But before I get to the being a mom part I have to deal with the being pregnant part and it’s not all feeling like a goddess and glowing everywhere. It’s wanting a glass of wine at the end of a long day of work. It’s craving sushi but worrying that eating sushi will have disastrous effects on my growing fetus. It’s being so tired that cleaning the apartment leaves me falling asleep on the couch at 8 PM. It’s looking at my boobs and wondering why the hell I even bothered with a reduction if they were going to get all humongous again – boobs grow back y’all. It’s telling the nurse at every doctors appointment that I have a history of ED and I can’t look at the scale when they weigh me, again. Because growing a human is hard.
But I still put my hand on my belly knowing that I already love the nugget, even though they don’t exist yet. I’m pretty sure this is going to be the hardest and most amazing thing I’ve ever done. I know that my relationship has never been stronger because we’re on this surprise roller coaster together. And everything is going to be OK. Even if right now I cry all the time and then cry because I don’t know why I’m crying – although yesterday it was a news story about widowed otters that found love again, which is a totally legitimate reason to cry. Everything is going to be OK because I’m going to make sure that this little nugget is the coolest person ever and we genuinely can’t wait to meet them. Coming soon, baby Levine.